What Would I do Without You?
by Alaska829Snow
Summary: Regina comes to terms with her past with a little help from her future. (Trigger warning: conversations about abuse).


This story is based on the amazing song "What Would I do Without You" By Drew Holcomb & The Neighbors. It gave me MAJOR swanqueen feels the first time I heard it. So, I hope you enjoy.

* * *

_Sometimes I wake up with a sadness  
Other days, it feels like madness.  
So, what would I do without you?_

There was hardly anyone who knew what it was like.

What it was like to grow up being treated like an **object** instead of a human being.

By her mother—who couldn't constrain the desire to control every last aspect of her life.

When she thought about it, and she tried not to, she could see it like it was still happening: the feeling of being bound by her mother's dark magic and the bruises it left on her body and soul. The desperate looks she gave her father, begging him to make it stop.

By King Leopold-who she was certain had never once stopped to consider her feelings.

She knew he was quite capable of love, just not with her. Everyone in the Kingdom talked about his love for his daughter and for his first wife. And, yet, she had always known she was nothing more than a prize to him, something to pass the time, a Royal baby-sitter for Snow White.

By Rumple—who had it all perfectly planned out—to use_ everyone_ he possibly could against her.

Jefferson, Dr. Whale... and she was certain there were countless others she was unaware of. Her entire existence was, for Rumple, simply part of his bigger picture.

Those days she spent hiding, when everyone thought she was guilty of murdering Archie—it was the first time she truly had the chance to reflect. Reflect on how everyone had wanted her to be evil from the start. How she almost wished she had never fallen in love with Daniel in the first place. Because, without him, without that love and vulnerability, she wouldn't have been broken enough to snap.

But...the key word, of course, was _almost. _She knew she wouldn't ever take it back-those fleeting moments of her life when she knew what it meant to be happy and care-free.

Ever since she started thinking, cooped up in that room, alone, she couldn't stop. Crying herself to sleep had become part of the routine. It never stopped.

Well, that wasn't _entirely_ true.

It only stopped...it only stopped with Emma and Henry.

_When colors turn to shades of gray  
With the weight of the world at the end of the day.  
Oh, what would I do without you?_

What made it worse, what made it so tragic, what made her hate herself even more than she thought possible was just how much she wanted to forgive her mother. When Cora came to her, offering her a shoulder to cry, offering her_ I love you_ and _I'm sorry_-she wanted nothing more than to accept it. She was desperate to pretend, to forget- that her mother had, undoubtedly, been the cause of all her pain-had ripped Daniel's heart from his chest and then forced her into a marriage, into a bed, into a life she never wanted. That night, in the vacant streets of Storybrook, she had, for a moment, believed it was possible for her mother to change. After all, she reasoned, if she could change for Henry, why _couldn't_ her mother change, too?

But Regina knew there _was_ a difference between them.

She knew it _now, _anyway.

She knew it thanks to Emma and Henry.

_A decade goes by without a warning  
And there's still a kindness in your eyes.  
Amidst the questions and the worry  
A peace of mind always takes me by surprise._

When Henry showed up at her doorstep, with the savior awkwardly standing behind him, he seemed conflicted and hesistant. As if he didn't know if she was truly herself or if Cora was playing some sort of trick on him.

She stepped outside, tightened the belt on her jacket and closed the door behind her. When she looked lovingly at Henry and he looked back at her-she felt that he knew it was, in fact, her. She stood with her hands in her pocket, trying to keep them protected from the cold Maine winter, as she looked at her son and his biological mother.

"I'm _so _sorry," he told her, eyes brimming with tears. He seemed so small to her and yet all too grown up at the same time. She couldn't help but think about all the times he had apologized in the past-for making a mess with his crayons, for breaking her favorite dish, for not studying enough for that spelling-test. But this, of course, was rather different. Everything was different.

"I'm sorry, too," Emma echoed. "Your psychopath of a mother is here-apparently even though she can't take my heart, she is capable of truly screwing with my head...and my magic...and Pongo..."

"It's alright," she told them both, "I understand."

And even though she wasn't sure that she was ready to forgive them, she was too emotionally drained to get into the reasons why. To ask where the hell they had been—to ask why hadn't they looked harder to find her? To remind them that if Cora had wanted it, they could have very well found her dead. She wondered how they would've reacted to that. She wondered if her son would even miss her.

But he was, after all, standing in front of her with tears in his eyes. And she couldn't exactly hold anything against him, after everything he had been through over the last few months.

"Do you have any idea where Cora is?" Emma asked, placing a protective arm around Henry.

"Yeah," Regina confirmed, "in my guest room."

"Excuse me?" Emma gasped, as a horrified look overtook her face. "You're kidding?"

"I am most certainly not."

"Henry, give us a few minutes… okay, kid? Can you just...go to the car?"

_I feel like I'm walking with eyes as blind  
as a man without a lantern in a coal mine.  
Oh, what would I do without you?_

_My imagination gets the best of me  
And I'm trying to hide, lost at sea.  
Oh, what would I do without you?_

"What the hell is wrong with you?" Emma spat once Henry was out of sight.

"Not even two minutes after your heartfelt apology and you're already back to treating me like _this_? Back to yelling at me?"

"Regina," Emma said firmly, "how could you allow her to stay under your roof?"

"Well, as you kindly reminded me after dinner, Henry won't be staying under it any time soon, will he?"

"I said I was sorry," Emma insisted. "I'm sorry we thought you killed Archie and for _everything _I said. We were wrong-dead wrong. But that's no reason to invite a monster into your own home."

"She said she wants to change," Regina informed Emma, her voice cracking, sounding weaker with each word, "like _I am_ for Henry. She said she wants to change for_ me_."

Regina felt herself revert back to that young girl-desperate for her mother's approval. She was moments away from stomping her feet and flailing her arms in the air—pleading for someone to understand. She watched the anger leave Emma's face, as the sheriff's expression softened to something she swore was pity.

"I know I'm new around here...but from the things I've heard and been able to put together, it sounds to me like she is a lot worse than you ever dreamed of being."

"That's not true. We're exactly alike. You think she's a monster- but you think I am, too. So much that you won't even let _my_ son stay in his own bedroom."

"I don't think you're a monster."

"I don't have time for your bullshit, Ms. Swan."

"It's not bullshit, alright?" Emma said, quickly. She took a step closer, invading Regina's personal space. "_I know_."

"Know what?"

"About...about Daniel."

Regina could only stare in response. For some reason, she was surprised—surprised that Snow White or Prince Charming had taken the time to explain to their daughter anything about her former life, her former love.

"I know you were engaged but that your mother killed him because she wanted you, forced you, to marry Snow's father. And I know that Dr. Whale brought him back...but it didn't go right and you had to...to stop it."

"Please," Regina begged, not sure she had any more tears to cry, "_don't_."

"But what I know most of all is that no matter who you've hurt, you would never hurt Henry. Even at your very worst, you would never intentionally cause him pain-you would never...which makes you...it makes you better than her, okay? You're better than her."

And Regina, in that moment, realized that she had come so close to falling into Cora's trap.

She realized that although she felt almost as broken as she did standing in that stable, she couldn't let this happen all over- let the cycle continue.

Taking Emma, and the two idiots for that matter, away from her son would be the final act that would make her _exactly _like her mother. As much she often wished it wasn't so, Henry loved Emma. This, this is exactly what Cora had wanted. Cora wanted Regina to be just like her. So that she could understand, or empathize, with the choices her mother had made.

And she refused to understand the perspective of the woman who had killed her first love. She wouldn't stand before Henry and tell him that Emma and his grandparents were dead. As the image flooded her mind, as she pictured Storybrook without Emma Swan, she wasn't so sure she liked the picture at all.

"Emma's right," she heard her son say.

They should've known that curious, mischievous Henry would have no intentions of waiting in the car. That he would've been hiding, just out of vision, listening to the conversation between his two mothers.

"You're not Cora," he walked up to her and embraced her, "I know you. I've known you my entire life, mom."

Regina felt her walls break as her son held her- as she heard him call her _mom_. The single word caused entire system to reset. She could win Henry back without Cora, without dark magic. She could get Henry back all by herself.

"Please don't let her stay," he begged her. "She kidnapped Archie. Please don't let her hurt anyone else."

"She will, you know," Emma reasoned, "try to hurt people."

"Okay," Regina agreed, "you're right."

_The difference between what I've said and done  
And you're still standing by my side.  
A guilty soul and a worried mind  
I will never make it, if I'm on my own._

Regina was the only one who knew her mother well enough to defeat her; to use her mother's love for her as the ultimate weakness. To lure her to the well, to threaten her life if she ever came back to Storybrook and to push her through a portal one final time.

Regina was surprised when after it had been done, Emma had offered to come back to her house. To spend time with her—so she _"didn't have to be alone tonight." _

"I'm sorry," Emma offered her as they sat together in the living room. "I know this wasn't an easy day."

"It had to be done," she reminded herself. "It was the right thing to do... for Henry."

"It was…but that doesn't mean we expect you to be happy about it."

"I don't know what I feel about it," she said, in a moment of raw honestly. "But I guess I should be glad there's no one around to manipulate me, to use me anymore."

"You think you're the only one who has been manipulated?" Emma asked, looking at her with curiosity. "I mean, I get it. You...you definitely had it worse. But you're also looking at person who has been a chess piece in Rumple's sick, twisted games since the day she was born."

"I know," Regina acknowledged. "And I'm sorry…you didn't ask for this."

"You didn't ask for it, either."

"I guess not," she shrugged.

She looked at the savior—who had her shoes off and her feet on Regina's couch. She looked so comfortable, so relaxed. Regina watched her drink apple cider and realized that Emma Swan trusted her. She realized that Emma Swan could have been sitting with her Royal family—but chose to be here, instead. And she just couldn't understand it.

"Why is it so easy for you to overlook what I've done?" She finally asked.

"We've never talked about the fucked up things I've done in my life, but I'm not exactly innocent. And I haven't found it particularly helpful to dwell on the past."

"I hardly doubt anything from your young life could compete with ripping hearts out of chests or accidentally poisoning your child."

She felt Emma's eyes all over her—she felt Emma trying to use her self-proclaimed super-power to read into the depths of her soul.

"You have to stop with this, Regina; you have to let go."

"Daniel did tell me to move on," she whispered.

"Wait," Emma said, "You _spoke_ to him? I thought..."

The confused look on Emma's face was warranted. She never exactly shared the details of her last encounter with Daniel.

"Only for a minute; it was...it all happened so fast."

"What did he say?"

"He told me to love again."

"He's right."

"Even if he was...there aren't exactly many people around here who would be willing to..."

"Eh," Emma interrupted, "you'd be surprised. Henry loves you."

"I changed his diapers...it comes with the territory."

"I mean," Emma said, as if it was the most casual admittance in the world, "_I_ love you."

_So you got the morning, I got midnight  
You are patient, I'm always on time.  
Oh, what would I do without you?  
You got your sunshine, I got rain clouds  
You got hope, I got my doubts._

"What the hell are you talking about?" Regina barked back at Emma's unexpected and impossible claim.

"I don't know," Emma said. "I love you."

"No you don't," she insisted, standing up and hovering over Emma. "Shut the fuck up."

"Um," Emma said, "how do _you_ know?"

"Because _I'm _the one who did this, all of this, to you. You can't..."

"Would _you_ 'shut the fuck up' for a minute?" Emma said, imitating Regina.

Regina stopped and sat back down.

"Thank you," Emma said. "Now, will you just let me speak for a minute?"

"Fine," she nodded.

"I'm one hundred percent sure that it could've easily been me. That if I were in your shoes, I could've...I could've made the same decisions. I've seen things in this world that, you know, my parents haven't. And I know that it takes years of therapy and loving relationships to rebuild a child…a child who has been in an abusive home. But you were never given a moment to recover. I don't know how I could ever judge the decisions of someone who went from an abusive mother to an abusive marriage. I think that you're actually incredibly strong and that whenever you're around, I'm just in complete awe. "

Regina felt her entire body freeze-for as long as she had known it herself, she had never heard anyone say it out loud. To have it acknowledged, by someone, someone related to Snow White for that matter, felt oddly like freedom.

"Plus, I think that if you really want me to go there, you could argue that if there hadn't been a curse... there would be no Henry. Because I would've grown up in a very different, very far away land. So, if you want me to be mad at you for this curse-it's just...it's _not _going to happen."

"I never...I didn't think about that," Regina admitted. "No curse… no Henry."

"And who would want to live in a world without Henry?"

"Not me," Regina said, allowing herself to smile.

"You just need people," Emma promised her. "You don't need Cora- you never did. You have Henry and you have me."

"I have you," Regina repeated out loud; though it was clearly more of a question than a statement.

"I mean, if that works for you."

"Yeah," she said, "that...it works for me."

_So, what would I do without you?  
Oh, what would I do without you?_

There was hardly anyone who knew what it was like—who could understand her.

She had learned that Emma Swan was one of them.

She believed that her son could one day be one of them, too.

And for now, that was enough.

_Oh, what would I do without you?_


End file.
